Where should I start?
First off, who would have thought I’m a commitment-phobe? I didn’t know that. I mean, I knew, somewhere down the road, I’d like to get married and have kids, but before I go there, I would have to commit myself to somebody. I just didn’t know that given the opportunity now, I might have run to the opposite direction.
It’s so weird that I’m so afraid that it actually made me cry. How could I be right for somebody? What if this person that I’d choose–or who chose me–what if being with him would not be beneficial for both of us? How would I be able to live with that kind of mistake? I’m so afraid I’ll be wrong for somebody. What if I lose myself in the process? What if being with this person would turn me into somebody I don’t even recognize and my friends do not like?
How could one even fathom the enormity of being committed all his/her life–just like in marriage? How could one even accept the responsibility of raising another human being who’s going to be part of many people’s lives in the future, firstly one’s own? It’s so overwhelming and it’s not easy to accept. How could one even come to the decision to share his/her life with one person…much less someone he/she has not met?
It’s all a wonder to me and it’s fucking scaring me like hell. I hope I’d make the right choices, whatever those choices are. I hope I’d be able to spare both of us ( ____ and I, if ever we are meant to be together) any pain because of my indecisiveness, naivete, and fear. I could only hope for the best as of the moment because I’m so new to this and we’re still at the early stages of whatever we have. At least now, I feel better (SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER) since I’ve already acknowledged this fear and it’s probably normal. Now that I know that this would probably affect what I’ll say if ever the subjects of marriage, commitment, having kids, and ______ to where he is would come up, I’d be able to analyze the conversation better and say things which are honest and true and mutually agreeable. There. Be patient with yourself, ___. Don’t be too afraid. Things are actually better than what you hoped for, so accept these, be grateful, a little more fearless, honest, and see to it that you won’t hurt ____ or make things worse for the both of you. SMILE.