I noticed this never-ending cycle that I always go through.
Whenever ____ does not text when I expect him to, I feel very anxious. And to calm myself down, I always think that if this–whatever this is–would not go well, I know for myself that I’d be able to get over him and move on. That’s the first phase. The second phase is when he texts and talks to me when I least expect him to and then I start feeling giddy all over again and forget I’ve ever thought about the end of this and moving on.
It’s kind of tiring, but I guess it goes with the whole “undefined” thing. Plus, I never really know if this relationship is of the same value as the other relationships that he had before. Is he serious with me? Cause I have to admit, I am becoming serious with him, to the point that I can’t entertain others. That, my dear self, is your fucking problem.
And you know what else? Yes, I’m going to babble about my insecurities here. I think I would never be good enough for him. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. Heck. I hate how I look like at the moment. I think I’ll never be pretty or attractive enough for him. I know he likes my brain–how I think–and my personality, I guess, but how about I look like physically? I would never amount to his ideals. If ever we’d see each other, I’m kind of sure he would not find me attractive at all, unless pheromones and oxytocin and all that shit come into play.
So there. This pointless cycle and the never-ending insecurities always make me miserable, but then he’ll text and the world is all right again. Still, I hate this–all of these. I feel awful, insecure, unloved–heck, not even thought of. Would all these matter? Where would this faux relationship even go? I don’t know, but I like what we’re doing. I like being attuned to someone, to make that someone feel happy or at least a little better just by being there. I guess that’s what I do for him. But how about him? What does he do for me? At the moment, at least 80% of my happiness comes from him just being there. I know that’s bad. Really bad.