The first thing that comes to mind is that I’m tired. I want to curl up and just tuck myself in and cut off all outside connections, but I know I can’t do that. I’m sure I won’t be able to stand it. An hour without looking at my phone would drive me crazy, so this is not plausible at all.
Actually, my main thought is that I’d like to take a break from ____. I’ve been talking to him non-stop–everyday–lately, and it’s a little toxic. I would really like to take a break, hopefully at least two days, to clear my system a little of him and to recharge, I guess?
I miss our [IM client] days. At least then, the feelings were stronger because we both had something to look forward to. I miss looking forward to logging in to my account and seeing his name in there and bombarding him with things that are going through my mind. He, in turn, would listen to my endless barrage about everything.
How could he even stand me? I can’t stand myself, not when I get batshit crazy and say the most insane things and ask the most senseless questions. Yet he entertains me–hell, he is patronizing me. How could he do that?
It makes me feel awful, sometimes, when I feel like he’s just patronizing me for the sake of it and he’s not really listening. It makes me feel like I’m something that he has to suffer or get through with. But then he surprises me when he texts still and ask me how my day was or he tells me stuff that’s going on with him. Why? What do I have that he wants? Why does he keep on communicating with me even when it’s awful?
I don’t know. Maybe it doesn’t matter, really. __ said I should enjoy this. I am, but I’m a little bit tired. Still, I miss ____ every time, which is why I succumb to texting him even when I’m determined to take a break.
I–we–will take a break tonight. Unless he texts me first, which would return me back to where I started from.